The Sound of My Melody

I wish I could spill my secret but there's too much at risk. 

But isn't life about risks? 

Maybe, though this is more than a game of Jeopardy. 

So what do I do? 

Do I keep going from day to day living with this hidden confession buried within my chest? 

Or do I unlock this burden and swallow the key? 

I can't decide with Fear yelling in my face. 

And when I try to yell back my voice is lost in the sounds of questions. 

"What if it doesn't work?" 

"What if it's true?" 

"What will happen if I try?" 

So I come upon a T in the road. 

Do I go right? 

Or do I go left?

I turn to friends but they are no help because loyalty is usually conquered by gossip

So I stand there...in the middle of the road...hoping...praying I don't get run over by Opportunity

If I decide to go right great experiences may lie but heartbreak could be lerking under the bridge

If I decide to go left I may avoid a disaster or turn away from what is most longed for

I wish there were signs to direct me to a path worth choosing

But there aren't.

There are only signs of confusion.

I ask myself why this is so hard

This shouldn't be that big of a deal

But it is.

Why?

Because it deals with matters of the heart

My heart doesn't want to be another face on a totem pole

It wants to be a rose among thorns

A melody among sounds

A note among chords

So is the road to the right worth it?

Is it worth the consequences that may lie ahead?

There's only one way to know. 

Follow the sound of the melody

Relationships

About a month ago some friends as well as myself went to LifeChurch in Oklahoma City. AWEOME church. The pastor there was preaching on the topic of relationships, mainly marriage, in which the whole series was entitled "The Vow". Considering i'm not in a relationship, let alone married, I figured this testimony wouldn't apply to me but as usual my assumptions came back to slap me in the face. 

Phil Munsey led the sermon to an important aspect that everyone should know and hear at least once. Most people think that a relationship should be mutual, which isn't entirely false but can lead to some big and shaky arguments. When a married couple goes to counseling a good majority of the problem is that "they won't do their part". I mean they should both put equal amounts on the table right? "Well i'll do my part if she does hers" or "If he would just contribute we wouldn't be like this". Phil explained that maybe the one implying that the other wasn't doing their part wasn't entirely doing theirs either. Best way to explain is that it comes down to showing love. Agape love.

Agape love is a love that is selfless and doesn't look for something in return. A love that gives and gives and gives and gives but is indifferent to whether or not it is returned. This love is hard to give because of the society we have been raised in. We think that we should reap what we sow. You give then i'll give. Why's this? It's simple. Heartbreak. No one wants to be heartbroken. Everyone's been heartbroken, including myself, and it's not fun. So to save us from this hearbreak we put out only the amount the other person gives so if one splits no one walks away saying, "I put too much into it." Honestly I can't blame anybody for doing this but ultimately it's not what we're called to do. We're called to show the love of Christ. The Agape Love. 

Paul gave an example of a couple that went to counseling and when asked what's the problem, the guy answered, "She doesn't respect me! I give and give and give and she just takes and takes and takes! She just doesn't respect me!" To which the counselor replies, "Do you give her a reason to respect you?" Paul explains that if we be the people we're supposed to be, the loving selflessly giving ones, then we'd get the respect we deserve and who knows...the other person might change. But again no one should expect anything in return because why? It's an Agape Love.

See when people get the taste of that love it's like feeding stray dogs...they're always coming back for more. "The Hunger for Love is much more difficult to remove than the Hunger for Bread." But the thing to get past is not expecting anything in return. It's hard. Real hard. Because we put ourselves out there to get hurt. To be vulnerable. To be heartbroken. And from experience it's not fun to go through. "The Heart is the only broken instrument that works." So how do we get past it and show this Agape Love? To put it bluntly we suck it up and remember that's what Jesus did. He loved People whether They loved Him back. I mean what's the worst scenario for us? We put ourselves out there. They either don't want any part of it or just take what you give. Does that compare to loving people unconditionally then having them turn against you and putting nails through your hands and feet?

It's time that love was shown and not just said. But hey I still get it. Neither you or me wants to get hurt again. We want to play it safe. We want to give only what's BEEN given. We want it to be on an equal square.

But what if Jesus did that? Then where would we be?

The American Dream?

America controls nearly 20 percent of the world's wealth.  There are around 6 billion people in the world, and there are roughly three hundred million people in the US. That makes America less than 5 percent of the world's population. And this 5 percent owns a fifth of the world's wealth. 

One billion people in the world do not have access to clean water, while the average Americans throw away 14 percent of the food we purchase.

Nearly one billion people in the world live on less than one American dollar a day.

Another 2.5 billion people in the world live on less than 2 American dollars a day.

More than half of the world lives on less than 2 dollars a day, while the average American teenager spends nearly $150 a week.

Forty percent of people in the world lack basic sanitation, while forty-nine million diapers are used and thrown away in America EVERY DAY.

One point six billion people in the world have no electricty.

Nearly one billion people in the world cannot read or sign their name.

Nearly one hundred million children are denied basic education.

By far, most of the people in the world do not own a car.

One-third of American families own three cars.

One in seven children worldwide (158 million) has to go to work every day just to survive.

Four out of five American adults are high school graduates.

Americans spend more annually on trash bags than nearly half of the world does on all goods.

So I ask what's the deal? Why is it like this? God bless America? Yeah i'd say so but why don't we use our blessings to bless others? Selfishness? Self-rightousness? So many think the more we have the more we'll be happy. Yeah right. The number of Americans taking antidepressants have tripled in the past decade. Clearly stating we're not happy. And with all the Stimulus Money going around I can't even begin to explain how much that can help the countries, let alone the people, that need it.

The American Dream? I'm living in an American Nightmare. We are in the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave. More like the Land of the Enslaved and the Home of the Scared. Enslaved to materials, self-righteousness, pride, money, and popularity. Scared to be different. Scared to go against the current. Scared to stand up for what's right instead of standing in the crowd unnoticed and on everyone's "good side". 

We are "One Nation Under God" with "Liberty and Justice for All". 

"One Nation Under God". If one is under another that means that we are subordinates. We are supposed to take orders from the Big Man because we are "One Nation Under God" not "God Under One Nation". Why can't we live up to what we have saluted to all those elementary school years? And "With Liberty and Justice for All"? Come on.

Justice - the quality of being just; righteousness and moral rightness; the moral principle determining just conduct.

So when thieves higher lawyers and win thousands to millions of dollars in a settlement because of some ridiculus reason that's just? Or when someone spills coffee, which is USUALLY HOT, on themselves they sue the corporation that served it to them saying it didn't read, "may be hot"? That's just?

American Dream? I'm proud to be an American?

Should I?

Life

Life is pretty swell right now. Nothing to complain about except school really but that's usually a given, and it's not even that bad; just ready for summer. Got decent grades as well as a decent GPA, hanging out with friends, taking life easy, and working on the whole design thing.

Got an awesome goal as far as school and a career goes. Decided to switch my major to Graphic Design and I plan on hitting it hard and learning anything and everything I can to become the best and most creative. Pretty psyched. 

Only thing that I need to work on now is to ready The Word more and take time to dissect it and learn from it. I find myself just reading it like a chore or good deed but know that it should be more than that. But I am doing way better than I have been so I'm just taking baby steps.

Short blog but I felt the urge to write....

Let Her Legacy Live On

When I was a senior in High School I remember our youth group hosted a "Let's recognize the Seniors" night. It was there that I heard something from my youth minister, Mike Havens, that I will never forget. He brought us seniors up individually to tell us how much he appreciated us and our committment to the youth group and to point out our good qualities as among other things.

My turn came and he talked for a little bit but then he led the conversation to something I didn't expect. See my Nannie died a couple of months before this and I can honestly say that she was the most devout Christian I knew. My biggest regret is that I didn't take advantage of her being as big of a mentor as I would have allowed. Mike began by claiming that he didn't know my Nannie very well but he knew of her from other people and her story/legacy. He knew of the great things that she did and how loving, caring, humble, selfless, and disciplined she was. He then asked me to cary on that legacy and to become just as she was. That has been burned in my memory ever since then. I hope that I can make Mike proud as well as my family. Even my Nannie looking down on me with our Creator "standing" next to her. I pray that I will gain the discipline to wake up in the wee hours of the morning praying to Him and seeking guidance and thanking Him for my many blessings. I pray that I would become as selfless and give as if there is nothing that I really own. I pray that I would become as intelligent as her when it came to knowing scripture so that the wisdom we all long for is at my fingertips for whatever situation may be at hand. 

I pray that I may become a Disciple, Just As She Was.

I pray that her legacy will live on

Friends

It's funny how friends can change so fast and so drastically. I remember in elementary school grown-ups would come and speak about the statistics on drinking and sex. They gave numbers on the number of under age drinkers there were especially in high school. Along with the ratio of virgins to non virgins. I remember thinking to myself that this guy doesn't know what he's talking about because my friends would never do that; obviously showing my ignorance. But when middle school hit i began seeing a change with the people I have known as my friends. And it seemed to get worse in high school. It's hard to see people that you love change into people that you can't really respect because of the choices they've made and continue to make. It hurts more than I thought especially when so much was invested and the potential that it had.

It even surprises me good friends that I used to hang out with a lot and stick up for just kind of drop off. Like they just kept me around because they didn't have anybody else because their other friends didn't like them anymore or were just in another places. But at the time I would think that that wouldn't be a factor. That we're all just good friends who like hanging out with each other. But as soon as another friend came down my thoughts on the matter changed. It seems that maybe we all weren't as good friends as we thought. And that maybe, just maybe, other people were right no matter how much I didn't want to believe them. 

Maybe they were right

Clubin

So life has been pretty good lately but still had it's usual twist in the midst of things. Last night was probably the most interesting considering everything that happened within the night. My cousin asked if I wanted to go to a club so I said yes because i thought it might be fun and a new experience. We went to one in talequah with her and one of her friends and listened to rap all the way up there. I never thought I would get so sick of rap in my whole life! Plus when we were filling up with gas turns out the cop filling up by us was the one who arrested my cousin last time she went "out on the town". We weren't off to a great start. We got to "EFFX" round 10:30 and it was not what I was expecting. Haha Usually on TV you see the clubs people go to and they're really big with lots of good looking people everywhere. Well that wasn't the case. There were weird people everywhere! People with weird haircuts with their Tapout shirts and chains and i'd say at least half were obice. There was even a point where I saw a guy short and stocky with baggy jeans, a Tapout shirt, a hat (which from the looks of it came from Pacsun) which was on the wrong way, and to top if off he had those big white Oakley sunglasses on. Who where's sunglasses in a club with no lighting except the ones over the tables and dance floor? Plus this place was pretty small with absolutely no class. But what do you expect from a small town? Honestly I expected a little more....

Well finally around 11:30 to 12 a lot more people started showing up and the dancing began. And yes I did get my groove on with a couple of Phillies. In about 30 minutes of shaking my groove thang I was hot, sweaty, and sick of all the drunk people being idiots. And for the record I did not drink let alone get drunk. I'm not about that. 

Right before we left we all witnessed 2 people throw up back to back and we decided that was a sign to leave before it became a chain reaction. I had a good time but its not something I would like to do often. When we were on the road heading home something happened that I never would have expected or even witness. My cousin was driving and we were in the middle of Ft. Gibson and Talequah when I felt the brakes hit rather violently. I looked up and 2 dogs were in the road and she tried to swerve to miss them but failed. We hit one of them and all I heard was screaming and the screech of tires on the pavement. We didn't stop, which i'm still kind of unclear why, and just sat there in shock of what happened. I never would have thought I'd be the one in a car to make road kill.

We ended up going to IHOP afterwards to get something to eat and there were these old people, like late 40's early 50's, and I lost my appetite quite quickly. The main reason was the older woman (who clearly tried to look young) talking to the guy next to her. She was talking to him and joking around she offered to go out with him but he refused. To which she replied, "What am I not young enough or firm enough?" ....kill me now. I looked up from my once delicious looking pancakes at my cousin and her friend and asked, "Did I really just hear that?" We decided to leave after that experience and headed home.

All in all it was an interesting night and I hope my interesting nights from now on are a little less interesting in different aspects.