My Handicap

My mind tears away at the memories

The memories I thought that were forgotten

The memories I thought I flushed away

But they still fizzle to the top 

And turn my stomach like the drying of a wet rag

While embarrassment and guilt floods my horizon.

I shake my head in disgust coming to the realization 

That I was that regret 

That regret that we all have in past experiences

Where we ask ourselves that one simple question,

"Why?"

And after meditating on all that was said and done

I can't say I blame you

I look back and can't help but ask myself the same question,

"Why?"

As my memories surround me and I look at myself

Through the eyes of someone who has lost

My body quivers 

It shakes at all the mistakes that were made

It shakes at all the wrong words that were said

It trembles at the idiocracy that was shown 

Leaving me with a bad taste of regret and want

And knowing there's no way to go back and correct it.

So I sit in disgust and despair 

While I look at what was lost

And though wanting to reach out and grab another chance

I can't

For that would be selfish.

I see things are better for you

So I step back and watch a new road being paved

While inspiration runs through my veins

To be the person I should've been

Because the past cannot be changed

But the future can be carved.

So with that inspiration in hand

I live

I live day to day trying to be the man you deserved

And not the boy you recieved.

Though I may not show my handicap

I am crippled by being that regret

and the bread crumbs that led me there.

So I grasp my cane of inspiration to hold me up

and to allow me to walk tall on what lies ahead