I sit in my chair watching my friends
As they talk to each other
With smiles on their faces
And laughter bouncing off the walls
But dieing as I realize my own reality.
The sound and noise fall short of my existence
As if I was underwater looking to the surface
For my thoughts are somewhere else.
I thought the problems were gone.
I thought I disciplined them and put them in the corner
Where they belong.
But I soon realize they're just like children.
If stuck in the same place for too long
They become restless and test their boundaries.
I have been tested and I have failed.
I sit realizing my own heart cannot be trusted
And that this grace He gives us and wraps us in
Is like a child encompassed in a warm blanket by his mother
Crying
Knowing
That he did wrong but she holds him regardless.
With him close to her chest and arms wrapped around him
He feels the warmth and safety of her love and forgiveness
As the sobs begin to weaken.
I am this child cause I fail day in and day out
But I am yet given this gift we call Grace.
And as I sit in this chair I am humbled by the thought
Cause I don't deserve it.
I don't want Heartbreak but yet I break His heart everyday.
I sit there thinking how I can change so drastically
From one day
To the next.
I'm on track
Then I'm not.
I lean back and lightly chuckle
Cause I feel I don't even know myself anymore.
Why is it on nights like this my actions don't reflect the man I want to be
But a man I despise?
My actions reflect a man of this world
Not the next.
So I ask myself, "How does this happen?"
How'd it get this way?
Jeremiah 17:9
"Man's heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"
My heart is deceitful and longs for the things
And People of this world.
So I change even to a point of where I don't even know who I am
And why or who I'm acting for.
I keep asking for these burdens, especially one, to be lifted
But yet these children keep sneaking out of the corner
Leaving me embarrassed, humbled and
Exposed to the All Knowing.
Bringing me back to the thought of Grace.
I long to change into the man Christ wants me to be
But I realize the only way I will get there is by tests and trials
So that I can develop perseverance.
For "perserverance must finish its work so that
You may be Mature
And Complete,
Not lacking Anything."
And as a chair squeaks and my name is called
I am brought back to my friends.
And as the tests occur, I ask Christ for strength
To persevere
And to accept the gift of Grace
For when I fail.
Cause My Heart Aches Otherwise
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